Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Which is worse...PMS or Grief?
I had a rough day Monday. Not because of Valentine's day, although I am proud of getting through a "holiday" without totally melting down. It was the last in a series of rough days that I had, because....dah duh dah...I was PMSing. [Insert "YAY!" dripping with sarcasm.]
I'm really not that PMS girl. I don't make a big deal about it and usually don't notice what is going on until I realize that I have been moody and more sensitive than normal. I knew early Saturday evening that my grief the past few days was not normal. I had been expecting to have a 24 hour time frame of feeling really sad and lonely. I'd usually wake up the next morning say, "OK, moving on." then hit the gym and keep going. This time was different, I was swallowed into what turned out to be four days of feeling more irrational thoughts than I'd care to share. To give you an idea, I felt like Avi's death was a punishment and then I became really angry that he left me alone, as if he had a choice. This is not the Shawna that I had nurtured so carefully the past few months, in order to cope with grief and loss of Avi in a healthy and stable way. No, this was crazy. This was the grief/PMS combo.
Of course once I realized what was going on, I began the internal fight. I don't have time for this shit. People were depending on me, my house needed cleaning, and the weather was finally warm. I wanted to live life rather than wallow in my husband's death. I felt as if I was letting everyone down including myself and I felt so needy...and I hate feeling needy. The more I fought, the worse it got. Finally on Sunday night, I had cried so hard and for so long, my eyes had swollen almost shut. Monday came and I gave in. I was just going to let the feelings happen, stop trying to fight myself, and I curled up on the couch with a blanket, Avi's stuffed dog, and some CSI. I fell asleep and woke up in the afternoon feeling like I was coming out of a fog. My brain instantly sighed in relief...it was over.
Moving on...
Avi,
I had weird moment this morning. Maybe it was a dream, maybe I was kind of awake. I felt your arm around me, and I was resting my head on your chest with my hand over your heart. You leaned in and I swear I felt you kiss my forehead. I could feel the warmth of your hand, the feel of your skin against mine, and the touch of your lips on my forehead. It was so real that when I felt it slipping away I opened my eyes sobbing. If you are haunting me...BEST gift ever. If it was a dream, well buddy, that's how much my heart misses you.
I love you,
S~
I'm really not that PMS girl. I don't make a big deal about it and usually don't notice what is going on until I realize that I have been moody and more sensitive than normal. I knew early Saturday evening that my grief the past few days was not normal. I had been expecting to have a 24 hour time frame of feeling really sad and lonely. I'd usually wake up the next morning say, "OK, moving on." then hit the gym and keep going. This time was different, I was swallowed into what turned out to be four days of feeling more irrational thoughts than I'd care to share. To give you an idea, I felt like Avi's death was a punishment and then I became really angry that he left me alone, as if he had a choice. This is not the Shawna that I had nurtured so carefully the past few months, in order to cope with grief and loss of Avi in a healthy and stable way. No, this was crazy. This was the grief/PMS combo.
Of course once I realized what was going on, I began the internal fight. I don't have time for this shit. People were depending on me, my house needed cleaning, and the weather was finally warm. I wanted to live life rather than wallow in my husband's death. I felt as if I was letting everyone down including myself and I felt so needy...and I hate feeling needy. The more I fought, the worse it got. Finally on Sunday night, I had cried so hard and for so long, my eyes had swollen almost shut. Monday came and I gave in. I was just going to let the feelings happen, stop trying to fight myself, and I curled up on the couch with a blanket, Avi's stuffed dog, and some CSI. I fell asleep and woke up in the afternoon feeling like I was coming out of a fog. My brain instantly sighed in relief...it was over.
Moving on...
Avi,
I had weird moment this morning. Maybe it was a dream, maybe I was kind of awake. I felt your arm around me, and I was resting my head on your chest with my hand over your heart. You leaned in and I swear I felt you kiss my forehead. I could feel the warmth of your hand, the feel of your skin against mine, and the touch of your lips on my forehead. It was so real that when I felt it slipping away I opened my eyes sobbing. If you are haunting me...BEST gift ever. If it was a dream, well buddy, that's how much my heart misses you.I love you,
S~
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Grief Monster
I had a fabulous dinner last night. Sushi, in case you were wondering. I was in the company of a friend that I enjoy spending time with very much. She lost her father to cancer and we are able to share similar experiences but at the same time our conversation didn't directly revolve around the loss of our loved ones. I got home and fell directly into bed. I remember thinking that although I had a wonderful evening, my body was starting to feel the downward swing of emotions...and then this morning happened.
I have been waking up at 6, mostly to go to the bathroom, but also to let Hadley in bed with me. I have been training her to sleep on the floor and only to jump into the bed when invited. She and Indi hopped into bed and because it took them a while to snuggle down I lay awake thinking...about Avi and his death. I have these really vivid images that get stuck in my head...on a loop. They are awful and play like a nightmare repeating itself over and over and over again. I hate it. It is grief rearing its ugly head and I am still helpless under its power. I almost unconsciously start sobbing because the pain cuts so deep, so sharp my body has to react. I don't care how much people tell you to focus on the good times, when you experience first hand the death of someone you have unconditional love for, it stays with you and it changes you.
I am left with the rest of today to beat back the monster, so that I can function and continue with my responsibilities. My hope is that once I hit the gym, my body will be too busy recovering from physical exertion that the grief monster will not be as demanding. [A 40 min cross country walk at a brisk pace did the trick.] It isn't that I'm trying to ignore it, or that I'm even able to, I'd just like it to push it back before it overwhelms me. I want to deal with it when I am better equipped to lay around in pajamas all day, while I alternate between crying and playing WoW. If I can only get grief to cooperate.
There is this underlying promise that when someone you love dies, grief will eventually becomes this tiny annoyance that you stick in your pocket and only comes out once in a while. It becomes less scary, it doesn't feel big anymore, it doesn't hold you hostage for days at a time and you have control over it rather than vice versa. I know I am moving toward that time. I know I should be patient for that time. I also know I need to live one day at a time.
Avi,
I can still see your face when I realized you were gone. It haunts me. It isn't the face I want to remember. I'd rather remember the face you had when you were cooking, playing video games, or your smile when I'd come home at night. I'm trying honey, but today feels hard.
Shawna
I have been waking up at 6, mostly to go to the bathroom, but also to let Hadley in bed with me. I have been training her to sleep on the floor and only to jump into the bed when invited. She and Indi hopped into bed and because it took them a while to snuggle down I lay awake thinking...about Avi and his death. I have these really vivid images that get stuck in my head...on a loop. They are awful and play like a nightmare repeating itself over and over and over again. I hate it. It is grief rearing its ugly head and I am still helpless under its power. I almost unconsciously start sobbing because the pain cuts so deep, so sharp my body has to react. I don't care how much people tell you to focus on the good times, when you experience first hand the death of someone you have unconditional love for, it stays with you and it changes you.
I am left with the rest of today to beat back the monster, so that I can function and continue with my responsibilities. My hope is that once I hit the gym, my body will be too busy recovering from physical exertion that the grief monster will not be as demanding. [A 40 min cross country walk at a brisk pace did the trick.] It isn't that I'm trying to ignore it, or that I'm even able to, I'd just like it to push it back before it overwhelms me. I want to deal with it when I am better equipped to lay around in pajamas all day, while I alternate between crying and playing WoW. If I can only get grief to cooperate.
There is this underlying promise that when someone you love dies, grief will eventually becomes this tiny annoyance that you stick in your pocket and only comes out once in a while. It becomes less scary, it doesn't feel big anymore, it doesn't hold you hostage for days at a time and you have control over it rather than vice versa. I know I am moving toward that time. I know I should be patient for that time. I also know I need to live one day at a time.
Avi,
I can still see your face when I realized you were gone. It haunts me. It isn't the face I want to remember. I'd rather remember the face you had when you were cooking, playing video games, or your smile when I'd come home at night. I'm trying honey, but today feels hard.
Shawna
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