It has been a while since I posted last. Partly because I have been so wrapped up in the now and partly because whatever was filling me wasn't able to be put into words. The transplant as gone smoothly so far and although we are at a constant sleeping and losing hair phase again (yes it feel like 20 steps backward) I am told progress has been made. Avi's sister is in town along with his brother and yesterday we all spent most of the day together trapped in the hospital room while the boys slept the girls watched movies and made fun of how the boys slept in synchronized slack jawed, loud breathing. After spending 10 straight hours in Avi's room and Adeena clocking in her 5 hours, at 7pm we decided enough was enough and left the boys to their sleeping and travel the 1 block away to a bar where a friend works and have a drink. We had deserved it. The plan was only to go for an hour and be back. So, three hours later after talking each other into multiple drinks, not enough to be drunk but enough to be very happy and a little too giggly for designated driver David to put up with, I was home and planted in bed to sleep off a very long day.
6 am arrived with a very startling nightmare of a girl getting raped and I woke up hearing screams in my head, the kind that echo into your waking conscious and although fictitious you can't get them out of your head and you are left awake with the light on just so you know what reality is. Curled up amongst too much bed with too many pillows because the comforting warmth that I usually turn to was stuck in a hospital bed 5 miles away, came the startling revelation that I had gone out and had fun without Avi. What kind of horrible person was I? He was lying in a hospital bed and I was out getting sauced with his sister. Now in the light of day, no one and I really mean no one, especially Avi, would begrudge me a little fun or alcohol. In the cold dark dawn of the morning I was ready to have myself flogged for being a really horrible, insensitive person. Now sitting beside him, and watching him sleep off meds and through a second dose of chemo, I get that punishing myself for taking care of myself and having fun is STUPID and maybe a little more fun is what it will take to get me through to the end.
Today I am grateful for...
Adee...
Marty for being a good bartender.
Avi for asking for what he needed this morning.
Amy for understanding that Avi needed to be taken care of.
Everyone who has be so supportive and let me know they got my back. (even if it is just to help keep me upright)
one more day
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