Yesterday was the one week of Avi's passing. The family is still sitting Shiva and I am doing what I need to...well, to just survive. Writing is hard because Avi was my editor, and without his reading over my shoulder and constructive criticism I feel a little lost.
This blog will change now. My life has changed. Not just with Avi's passing but with the realization that cancer is no longer a character in my story. Now I need to deal with the widow portion, and yes I hate that word already. "Navigating the new normal," it is a phrase you here a lot in cancer recovery. Never did I think I would be applying it to a life without Avi. I will do it. I will do it one day at a time. I will try, for now, not to worry about how I will feel tomorrow but to focus on today, feeling what I need to feel, the pain, the loss, the sadness, the emptiness. I will begin to reclaim my life from before cancer, my degree, my health, socializing once again, all the things I loved to do with Avi, but now must learn to do alone. Going to the theater will never be the same.
I do want to thank everyone who sent flowers, sent cards, wrote emails, sent personal messages via Facebook, and the phone calls to see how I was doing. It was so kind of you to take time from your own grieving or lives to check on me. It made the world feel less lonely and I thank you so much for it.
I'm lucky. I got to have the love of my life, even for a short while. Not many people get to say that.
This is a hard place. One the one hand, you [and by 'you' I mean 'people in general' want to move on and heal. On the other hand, you don't want to move on because there's a part of you that feels like it's a betrayal of your love to move on. At least that's how it felt to me.
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