A week re-cap

I realize I've been slow to update everyone this week.  Just so you know there are four drafts in my box that I started but couldn't quite get finished.  It was a hell of a week.

I was anxious to go back, because I knew the routine would be good for me.  My Monday started out with a six year-old walking out of school and before he even said "hi" I was greeted with "I heard about Avi.  I'm sorry.  It is okay to be sad."  The things kids say, right?  He was honest in his questions and as I had already done a check-in with his parents, I knew that I could answer him honestly or not answer him at all.  The subject was continued while waiting for the trolley and then dropped for several days.  The great thing about kids, their honest.  He never tried to step around my feelings, he was curious, he gently made me talk about it in a way that was more comfortable than most of the adult conversations I had in the past two weeks.  I'm really grateful that it happened that way.

Then snow happened.  My supposedly easy week turned into three days of my doing overtime.  I love being a nanny, I hate when school is canceled!  It made me tired and grumpy and I didn't want to do anything when I got home, but cry and sleep.  I ignored the dishes, the laundry, the dogs...well not really the dogs, Hadley would never allow it, but I wasn't my usual playful self with them.  I wanted to sleep and never wake up.  It so sucked.

Grieving is hard work.  It drains every last bit of energy from me and right when I get a moment of peaceful mindlessness, my stomach drops down to my toes as I realize HE'S GONE AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!  It is awful, the tears come, the memories flood in and I get angry at him for leaving me (like he had a choice).  Even surrounded be people I know really love me, I feel more lonely than I thought possible.  I feel hollow.  Then...

I had a better day.  After visiting the doctor on Friday, determining I have an ear infection, I promptly went home with every intention of getting drunk on tequila.   Truth?  I had two shots and went to bed, I've never been much of a drinker, and I woke up on Saturday feeling like a new woman.  I cleaned the house, purging much of the leftover medical stuff from Avi's dying and rearranging things to suit me.  I changed our bedroom enough to keep the coziness but not remind me that the man I loved died there.  It felt great, and when I went out to dinner with friends last night I enjoyed myself and felt lighter for it.  I still cried when I came home, because I miss him and I'm going to cry about it.  It is going to be like this for a while, but I can see the good even in feeling the bad.

Avi,

I started this week like I could forget.  I couldn't.  The house is too quiet without you, My phone is too silent without your calls.  Coming home isn't the same.  Our bed feels empty and cold without your warmth.  I was angry, this week, that you left me here...alone.  I remembered the first time you told me you loved me.  (You were drunk.)  You told me you felt it for a long time but didn't want to tell me because you were afraid I would break your heart.  Funny how things turn out, huh?  

I miss you,

Shawna