A good friend of mine asked how I was doing yesterday. It was easy to respond to her honestly and openly, that although I was having a decent day, this weekend had been really hard. I went on to explain that I had noticed a kind of trend or cycle in my life of several good days followed by 24-48 hours of uncontrollable crying and not wanting to get out of my pajamas. I had been trying to maneuver these down times for the weekend, so it didn't effect work, but I was at the mercy of my grief most of the time.
She also asked how things have been. Now, most people may feel like this was a redundant question to "how are you?" but I knew she was asking how people have been around me. I smiled and rolled my eyes. Death is hard and I realize that most people don't get a guide for grieving. I also realize there is no guide to how to interact with those people who are grieving. We are all doing the best we can at any given moment. I will, however, give a few pointers to people, just in case you were wondering.
1~ At this point (almost 4 weeks post death) if you haven't seen me don't say, "I'm sorry for your loss." People seem to do this in a very breathy voice, which adds to the dramatic nature of the question. It basically feels like a slap in the face and you screaming at me "IN CASE YOU FORGOT, AVI'S DEAD!" It interrupts the few precious moments when his death has moved to the back of my mind and I am getting a little peace. I can feel the blood drain from my face as I struggle to regain my composure and try not to cry. Especially in social situations, this is not pleasant.
OPTION: Please feel free to simply state, "It is great to see you!" *Please try to keep your voice as normal as possible.*
2~DO NOT touch me. No hugs, cheek kisses, shoulder pats or arm rubs. This goes against what people know of me, I am a huggy person. Right now though, my skin feels like it is crawling about 90% of the time, when I am around people or in social situations. I even Googled it to find out what is wrong with me. It is anxiety and it probably isn't going away anytime soon. I'm still getting used to Avi not being with me and going out without him, which has me feeling socially awkward and anxious. I'm not one to be a slave to this anxiety and frequently push the boundaries of my comfort level because that is the person I am, but help me out people...don't make it worse. Respect my personal space. If I'm feeling it, I'll hug you.
OPTION: You can always ask for a hug, but a huge genuine smile works just as well.
3~ The "Can I do anything?" and "What do you need?" questions. These questions are said with more love and so much genuine need to feel proactive at a time when we all feel helpless, it breaks my heart to not give an easy answer. Seriously, unless someone has a magic wand or fairy dust stashed away in a closet or drawer somewhere, and it would make all of this seem like a bad dream and he would be back with me, healthy, these are not the questions to ask.
OPTION: Offer up what you are willing to do, it takes the pressure off me. I have friends who are great about getting me out of the house. They simply say, "Let's go to dinner. Then we're going sledding." Two activities that start to build new memories and still give each other support by being together during this time. Others know when I need chill time at home and call to say, "I'm coming over, bringing the dog, bringing a movie, and we'll order Mexican." or "Hey lady, let's have lunch."
No one gave me a manual, and trust me, I looked. No one told me how hard it would be the first couple of times I would instinctively call to see how he was doing during the day, only to realize he was gone. No one said how hard it would be to cancel his phone, or read his death certificate, or go to bed without kissing him goodnight. Most importantly there is no guidance for others on how to interact with me in a way that is appropriate, supportive and loving while also honoring a person's instincts. My hope is that this helps us all.
Avi,
It just about killed me to cancel your phone today. Like I was making you die all over again. Then I couldn't figure out your "favorite childhood pet" question online and it just about broke me. It makes me wish I pushed you more to do the "business" stuff. Instead I'm glad we had the time we did, like when we spent the night playing Mad Libs and you did the Yoda voice.
I miss you more than I thought possible.
All my love,
Shawna
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