Yesterday I hit a breaking point. I don't know what it was about the day, but it started in tears and ended in tears. Let's just say the words "I want my mommy" were uttered in that sobbing, hyper-ventilating cry that you remember from childhood. Again I don't know what caused this, if it was the raw reality of my past smacking me in the face when I joined Facebook. The fact that it feels like everyone I know is married and have or having babies, and that part of my life is stalled in a jungle of cancer, doctors appointments, sickness, and hospitals. I kept thinking about what I had to prove to the universe in order for something good to happen. Seriously?
It made matters worse over lunch when we were talking with our friends about a former acquaintance of Avi's who stirred up drama when he had first been diagnosed, and how she was no longer welcome in our house. Someone actually looked at me and told me that wasn't my choice and how I had no business being upset. Then when I tried to clarify my position he told me "Well this isn't about you Shawna, this is all about Avi." It felt like the worst slap in the face ever. It felt like the only thing I was good for was cleaning the house and doing laundry and that no one was on my side. The worst part was that Avi just sat there. He didn't help, he didn't back me up. Needless to say I feel very betrayed by everyone. So after everyone left yesterday I broke. I realized that I'm surrounded by people who are completely loyal to Avi. YAY him!!!! Selfishly, what about me? How am I supposed to keep going, keep doing what I am doing? All my people are like hundreds of mile away. Sure his family loves me, and I'm grateful for that, but they are his family after all.
I know, Avi has cancer and really in the end I should suck it up and get over it. I know all this "what about me" is really selfish. Please can someone tell me the line between taking care of myself and making sure my needs are met and me being really selfish. Cause right now I have the echoing of "This isn't about you, it is about Avi" echoing in my head.
Eating kosher in restaurants is cool....
Today I am grateful for...
pajamas...
teddy bears...
kleenex with lotion
dvr...
sunday...
I made it through yesterday, one more day can't hurt right?
Unfortunately, Shawna, you are a female and as a result people expect a certain degree of caregiving and nurturing from you and rarely consider your needs in the matter. When they do, they will consider it a gift to you rather than your right to self preservation. Sorry. And in my experience I've learned that you have to take care of yourself the best you can so you can take care of others the best you can. ESPECIALLY when the proverbial shit is hitting the fan. If you have standards, don't be sorry. And fuck anyone who wants to make you feel bad about it. If there is an issue about this chick, then that's between you and the Avster. No one else. After all, you two are the one's who live in your house, not him. I don't know if that helps but damn I feel your pain. From hundreds of miles away: Love you...
ReplyDelete