The forever...

Lately my life has felt like forever. We are forever going to deal with cancer. Avi will not feel well forever. We are forever going to deal with hospitals, doctors, needles and meds. His Picc line (the IV line that stays in his arm) will be there forever. Dealing with forever makes you slip into an alternate universe of not remembering what the reality of normal is. Forever becomes a fear worse than the cancer. I've gotten pretty good at taking everything one day at a time, but there are days such as yesterday, where forever feels like the truth instead of the fiction. It clouds my brain and really takes hold of whatever other fears and self-doubts it can get to and before I know it I'm crying for my mother because everything has balled up into one uncontrollable force that beats at me until I feel broken. This happened first when they told my Avi had cancer and it would be a long battle to fight it. Forever broke both of us that day. It happened again the fifth week he was in the hospital and I was tired of coming home alone, of going back and forth to the hospital and I needed him to take care of me for about five minutes. And I'll be honest yesterday was definately a broken day. I kept thinking at this point I would have my feelings under control and days like yesterday wouldn't happen any more. Oh how we lie to ourselves in order to go on. I spent the morning broken in pieces and the afternoon picking them up and gluing myself back together. Today, with the glue still fresh and strong I know forever...well it really only lasts until spring.

Kosher Livin'...that's right it's Indiana Kosher. L-I-V-I-N

Today I am grateful for...

getting to the last of the milk before Avi it made my tea better.

Avi sleeping in a little so I can blog and get to the last of the milk

Dose 3.2 starts today. It may sound really sick that I'm grateful for this, but it means he's almost done with this cycle and this is the last cycle of Chemo. So YAY methotrexate and asparaginaise!!!! out damn cancer!!!!

Robin for her phone call yesterday, it helped me find the glue to put the pieces back together.

Mom's follow up call. Just hearing her voice reminded me where the pieces go.

My family and friends for sending all of your extra pieces when I need them!!!!

We made it one more day guys!!!!!