Count-down to my Birthday

My Birthday is on Sunday and if you know me, it is something I torture my family and friends with for months beforehand. I had four sisters, it was the one day that was I knew would be all about me. I look forward to it almost directly after Easter as the next true holiday. This year instead of the usual excitement and anticipation I have at my Birthday time, I have an overwhelming sense of sadness and dread. It has nothing to do with the 32 mark either, I've aged quite gracefully, it is in fact that this time last year, was when Avi start feeling sick. It became more than back pain and more of a concern that something was wrong. Avi was struggling with the fact that he knew something was way off beyond back pain and he had to go to the doctor soon. His employer kept delaying putting him on a health insurance plan, and so a doctor's appointment was delayed. He would put it off and off. It will be a month and a half later (on my sister's Birthday) that I would rush him to the hospital after he collapsed and cancer will become the center of our little world. I am not discounting the lessons learned, the growth that happened individually or together. Nor do I take back all the laughter, hand holding, singing to each other, hugs or kisses. I feel as though for this year, my Birthday is kind of tainted and I do not want to celebrate the past 'cancer' year of my life. I am also hesitant to celebrate looking forward to the next year. At this point things are still so unclear I have no clue what it is I'm looking forward too. I just want it to be another Sunday. (maybe with a magically cleaned house?)