I feel _____ today.

I realized this morning that my life is spent talking about Avi.  How he is doing, how does he feel, what has the doctor said, and have they done any new tests.  I'm frequently asked about him, by family and friends, who listen intently as I explain our doctor appointments, hospice care appointments, his daily well-being, what he feels up to doing, and etc...  I am blessed to have a husband people adore and care deeply about.  It reminds me so much of my dad and how people really, genuinely liked him, and how devastating it was when we lost him suddenly.  People want to know, what is going on in Avi-land and I am more than happy to tell them and share our lives.  This willingness to share is because I hope it will make people more comfortable with our situation and make being around us easier.  Let's face it, cancer sucks.  Some people find it really hard to be around cancer, some people have no idea how to act around people with cancer, and now we're throwing in the "dying of cancer" into it and that has a huge effect on all people.

To be fair, people ask me, "How are you?"  I find this an odd question to process even when being asked by people who know me really well, like my sisters or really close friends.  My auto-reply is, "I'm fine.  Tired."  "Fine" and "tired" are wonderful words.  It doesn't make people uncomfortable, and when they say, "I understand," they really do.  Everyone relates to "fine" and people get tired.  People must think I am the most exhausted, lazy person in the world, because I am always tired.  This is soooooo not true.  I am like a pinball game of emotions, all of which I harness into energy (most of this energy is spent cleaning my house).  In one day I get fear, anger, sadness, dread, pain, worry, regret, resentment, FEAR, ANGER, SADNESS.  (repetition is not a typo, those are the biggies!)  "Fine and tired" sound much better, huh? 
  

 Many years ago, I was involved in an intensive therapy group in order to help process my dad's death and the issues it caused in my relationships with people.  I was in a group of about 18 and we had to go around the room and say out loud, "I feel _____ today."  There were 18 replies of "I feel fine today."  The therapist then looked at all of us and pointed to a chart on the wall with about 50 stick figure faces on it (you know the kind of chart that would hang in a 1st grade classroom) and said, "These are emotions that people have. 'Fine' is not up there because it is not and emotion.  Try again."  I was in the middle of the group and I remember struggling to really identify how I was feeling by my turn.  That lesson has stuck with me to a certain extent.  Now, when asked, I verbalize my auto-reply as I internalize what is really going on with me.  I'm not afraid of my emotions, I frequently do an internal feelings check when things get stressful.  The past week, as I was getting ready for the holiday I did several.  Which was when I realized that some of my feelings of stress were stemming from my body finally getting sick despite my best efforts to deny it.

Do people really want to know what is going on with me though?  Does my cold compare to his cancer?  Do people really want to know my true feelings about what is going on, or do they just want to know how he is and when they can see him?  Wow, that sounds a little bitter, and maybe it is.  I'm constantly wondering if people are asking me the "How are you?" question to be polite and my reply is just being polite back. It is possible that I am short changing people by not fully sharing what is going on with me.  Feelings and emotions are just not comfortable for some people to talk about.  Avi and I frequently talk about what a blessing it is to openly talk about them with each other and feel safe in not being judged.  There is this part of me that secretly hopes that if I share, someone else will, and then maybe we can all start leaning on each other in order to get through this.  (I want this for both Avi and myself.  It can be difficult to be the only emotional outlet for your partner, especially if you are both having a bad day.)  Then there is a another part of me that is afraid to scare people off with what I am feeling.  This second part of me is the one that worries, people won't share back.  It would be like talking to a wall, leaving me more vulnerable then I already feel.  At some point I'm going to have to dump the auto-reply.  My eyes would probably give away the "fine" lie, and the fact that my house is spotless and completely rearranged will give away the "tired" lie.  For today I will just let myself feel sick, while I go and enjoy one more day with my husband.