Dec. 21st

There is something about today that is screaming in my head to write, write, write.  It could be that after several days in the house, my brain is able to process what has been going on. 

On Wednesday of last week, Avi had an incident while getting out of bed.  His legs were not strong enough to support his body and he dislocated and more than likely fractured his hip.  He was in a great deal of pain and I immediately went into emergency mode.  Within a couple of hours, I had a nurse in our home calling in prescriptions, I was moving furniture for the hospital bed that was on it's way, and had called in reinforcements to help.  Avi will no longer be able to get out of bed with a strong possibility of EVER again.  We had been in the process of mentally preparing for this when the incident occurred and this sort of rushed along our process.  Avi hates to be rushed.  I'm not to thrilled with it either.

I had a very honest talk with our hospice nurse who is AMAZING!  She has prepared me that this is the beginning of the end.  It feels strange to say that, like he is dying this very second, when in fact he is laying in bed and playing World of Warcraft while talking to his brother on the phone.  His mind, continues to be sharp when the haze and drowsiness of the drugs are not taking over.  We are saying "I love you" a lot.

I looked at him the other evening, after people had left for the day and we were having our quiet time getting ready for bed.  I told him this...

"You know that I don't believe in God, but I know that you do.  I think that God, has realized that you have learned all the lessons he has given you.  There is nothing more for you to learn.  I think that God believes you have given more to people in your 32 years, than most have in 80 or 90.  I also think that you have taught people more, made people better, given in ways that the rest of us haven't even learned to yet.  You cancer isn't a punishment or another lesson to be learned.  It was God's way of giving you early retirement.  You have done enough.  You have given enough.  It is time for you to have peace."

He cried as I told him this.  His only reply was that no one had said that to him yet.  Do you know why?  Because we all recognize what a shining warm light he is in our lives.  Who wants to give that up?  I don't.  Who wouldn't fight to keep that around, to be near it whenever they could?  I have for two years.  So for now I'm going to just enjoy every day I have with him.  Every moment he shines that light my way, and I become a better person for it.  I'm going to absorb as much of him as I can, while he's here.  Because I know that not everyone gets an Avi in there life, and only I get to be married to him.

And I'm am going to now, by playing a little WoW with him and enjoying one more day together.