Dec. 8-12

Over the past few days there has been a lot of crying in our house.  This is why I haven't written anything, because we were in the middle of a major processing session.  Avi is on a physical decline and although it was expected it came at a hefty emotional price.  It was like the huge red firetruck in our house had let out a warning bell.  Screaming to us both, that this is real, this is happening, and there was nothing we could do to pretend otherwise.  So, we started talking.  Crying.  Yelling.

A lot of things had been happening over...I want to say weeks, but I realize that it really has been about two months now.  We had stopped talking about Avi dying.  It was easy to forget.  He was laughing, smiling, walking around with ease, and enjoying people's company.  That has started to change.

We noticed things change about a week and a half ago.  He started moving with more difficulty, he started having a hard time staying steady on his feet, and the stairs were starting to be very difficult for him.  Today, he only went upstairs to use the bathroom, waiting as long as possible before he went.  He stayed on the couch asking me to get things for him, make his meals, grab things that were out of reach, and open his medicine bottles.  Soon, probably within the next week or so, he may be confined to one floor of the house.  After that...

Avi's mind is as sharp as ever.  In our seemingly endless talks the past few day, he verbalized some real fears, sadness, and joy.  He wants to talk about dying, and he did.  He is not afraid to use the "CANCER" word.  Yeah, I capitalized it, I'm not afraid of it, although I realize most people are.  I'm also not afraid to say, "Avi is DYING of CANCER."  I've had a lot of practice over the past few days.  Avi isn't afraid of saying it either.  I believe that although he is fighting every step of the way, he is finally starting to prepare for the end.  We rehashed our decisions throughout his treatment.  We reflected on how our life went from planning on our future to planning for our end, in just a few short months.  Who is going to get the baseball card collection?  I've been pretty emotional this whole time.  He finally let it all out.  The saddest part is that I have been the only one to hear it.  How I wish that his friends and family could have been here.  I wish this whole thing didn't feel like such a taboo topic.  "Don't talk about dying, and for God's sake don't talk to the dying man about dying."  TALK!!!!!  Please talk.  Trust me, the not talking isn't cutting it.  Don't ask us how we are.   Avi is dying.  WE SUCK!  This SUCKS!!!!  Ask us how we feel.  It will be worth it.  Don't wait until the end to say your good-byes, your "I'll see you in the next life brother."  Do it while he is present.

It will be no deathbed confession, just a dying man having the chance to mourn for his own life with people he loves.  It will beautiful.  Ugly.  It will be real.