The Grief Monster

I had a fabulous dinner last night.  Sushi, in case you were wondering.  I was in the company of a friend that I enjoy spending time with very much.  She lost her father to cancer and we are able to share similar experiences but at the same time our conversation didn't directly revolve around the loss of our loved ones.  I got home and fell directly into bed.  I remember thinking that although I had a wonderful evening, my body was starting to feel the downward swing of emotions...and then this morning happened.

I have been waking up at 6, mostly to go to the bathroom, but also to let Hadley in bed with me.  I have been training her to sleep on the floor and only to jump into the bed when invited.  She and Indi hopped into bed and because it took them a while to snuggle down I lay awake thinking...about Avi and his death.  I have these really vivid images that get stuck in my head...on a loop.  They are awful and play like a nightmare repeating itself over and over and over again.  I hate it.  It is grief rearing its ugly head and I am still helpless under its power.  I almost unconsciously start sobbing because the pain cuts so deep, so sharp my body has to react.  I don't care how much people tell you to focus on the good times, when you experience first hand the death of someone you have unconditional love for, it stays with you and it changes you.

I am left with the rest of today to beat back the monster, so that I can function and continue with my responsibilities.  My hope is that once I hit the gym, my body will be too busy recovering from physical exertion that the grief monster will not be as demanding. [A 40 min cross country walk at a brisk pace did the trick.]  It isn't that I'm trying to ignore it, or that I'm even able to, I'd just like it to push it back before it overwhelms me.  I want to deal with it when I am better equipped to lay around in pajamas all day, while I alternate between crying and playing WoW.   If I can only get grief to cooperate. 

There is this underlying promise that when someone you love dies, grief will eventually becomes this tiny annoyance that you stick in your pocket and only comes out once in a while.  It becomes less scary, it doesn't feel big anymore, it doesn't hold you hostage for days at a time and you have control over it rather than vice versa.  I know I am moving toward that time.  I know I should be patient for that time.  I also know I need to live one day at a time.

Avi,

I can still see your face when I realized you were gone.  It haunts me.  It isn't the face I want to remember.  I'd rather remember the face you had when you were cooking, playing video games, or your smile when I'd come home at night.  I'm trying honey, but today feels hard.

Shawna