Which is worse...PMS or Grief?

I had a rough day Monday.  Not because of Valentine's day, although I am proud of getting through a "holiday" without totally melting down.  It was the last in a series of rough days that I had, because....dah duh dah...I was PMSing.  [Insert "YAY!" dripping with sarcasm.] 

I'm really not that PMS girl.  I don't make a big deal about it and usually don't notice what is going on until I realize that I have been moody and more sensitive than normal.  I knew early Saturday evening that my grief the past few days was not normal.  I had been expecting to have a 24 hour time frame of feeling really sad and lonely.  I'd usually wake up the next morning say, "OK, moving on." then hit the gym and keep going.  This time was different, I was swallowed into what turned out to be four days of feeling more irrational thoughts than I'd care to share.  To give you an idea, I felt like Avi's death was a punishment and then I became really angry that he left me alone, as if he had a choice.  This is not the Shawna that I had nurtured so carefully the past few months, in order to cope with grief and loss of Avi in a healthy and stable way.  No, this was crazy.  This was the grief/PMS combo.

Of course once I realized what was going on, I began the internal fight.  I don't have time for this shit.  People were depending on me, my house needed cleaning, and the weather was finally warm.  I wanted to live life rather than wallow in my husband's death.  I felt as if I was letting everyone down including myself and I felt so needy...and I hate feeling needy.  The more I fought, the worse it got.  Finally on Sunday night, I had cried so hard and for so long, my eyes had swollen almost shut.  Monday came and I gave in.  I was just going to let the feelings happen, stop trying to fight myself, and I curled up on the couch with a blanket, Avi's stuffed dog, and some CSI.  I fell asleep and woke up in the afternoon feeling like I was coming out of a fog.  My brain instantly sighed in relief...it was over.

Moving on...

Avi,


I had weird moment this morning.  Maybe it was a dream, maybe I was kind of awake.  I felt your arm around me, and I was resting my head on your chest with my hand over your heart.  You leaned in and I swear I felt you kiss my forehead.  I could feel the warmth of your hand, the feel of your skin against mine, and the touch of your lips on my forehead.  It was so real that when I felt it slipping away I opened my eyes sobbing.  If you are haunting me...BEST gift ever.  If it was a dream, well buddy, that's how much my heart misses you.


I love you,
S~