My day was rolling along rather well today. I was being a bit lazy but spending time with Avi was worth the guilt and self-loathing I felt for getting nothing done. Then the world came crashing down with one phone call. I will refrain from naming names because this post is published but Avi's insurance will be canceled as of Jan. 1st. Just so we are clear on the time lines for the next few months....
Dec...finish round 2 chemo
Jan...start round 3
Feb...getting ready for the bone marrow transplant.
We are already looking at medical bills in excess of $200,000. And that isn't including ALL of the medication that we pay for. The funny thing about this situation is the closer we get to getting this all, and by all I mean the cancer monster, done and taken care of...the closer he gets to getting better the farther away we are from being able to get married and having kids. We had both always wanted to be really responsible when we did those two things...kids especially. Neither one of us wanted to have kids until we were financially ready and now it feels like we will never be. He even refuses to ask me to marry him until he know he has beaten the cancer and he will be able to support our family.
How do I keep going with this monster medical bill growing larger over our heads like smog, I am afraid it will choke up the very air that we breath, that it will consume us and the lives that we have envisioned for ourselves? How do I wake up tomorrow and do it all again pretending it isn't there or the next day for that matter. And when I do get up tomorrow and do it all again, how do I keep a smile on my face with the feeling that our world, this life we are supposed to be building is crumbling before it even has the chance to get started. What is left to have faith in aside from each other. Maybe once I figure out the great reason, the lesson that I am to learn or take away from this, my faith in others will be restored.
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