I need milk...

Just when I think this disease can't get any worse I get a day like yesterday and a night like last night. I hate vomiting. I hate it. Mostly because it makes me want to do it and I hate doing it. He is so sick right now that he literally threw up all morning and then spent the whole day sleeping. Then right as I was winning the fight with insomnia, he started the throwing up again last night. Thing to remember...just when you think you have a handle on this disease and what it will do, YOU DON'T!!!!!!...And always have a spare of clean sheets ready. Chemo is not my friend this morning. It has left me lonely, because he can't even talk to me when he is sick and I can't do anything to help him and I know how much he is suffering.

I can't control this, I get that. I can't control anything. I want the control back. I want to clean up vomit and think "this is as bad as it gets," and not have the foresight of what will happen when they are doing the Radiation, Chemo, and the transplant all at once to his body. I want to be naive to the very real fact that we have fought this long and put up with so much and I may send him into the hospital to die. "To die", that is a possibility that I have kept locked down so tight that the words look funny and I'm not going to let myself go there. I know this isn't over, even with my positive "One more day, one more dose" attitude. I know this was just the bumpy road that lead us to the mountain that we have to climb to get him over this. We will do it, partially because we have to and partially because we are ready for that life of ours on the other side. BUT...Today will just have to be today, I'll go get milk and juice and enjoy being with him.

Today I am grateful for...

simple green...hate the smell but it gets vomit out of carpets

towels from the hospital that found there way here to help clean up

spending part of today cleaning and part sleeping

crying it helps

quiet mornings to myself...

One more day...