I have a great imagination. I believe in fairies, magic and Santa, but I get grossly uncomfortable at the mention of a "miracle'. I believe Santa comes to our house first, on Christmas Eve and that fairies are what makes my garden look amazing all summer. I almost have Avi convinced of both of these facts too...almost. I know that I will never see a fairy, Santa, or magic. I know deep down that I am the fairy that makes the garden grow (yeah I talk to my plants), we are Santa for each other, and magic can be as simple as two people who have had awful relationships in the past, finding a healthy partner/friend in each other and falling in love. "Miracles" are too steeped in reality for me. They are something that could happen and could be life altering. What defines a "miracle"?
In the past two years Avi almost died...like three times. The first time was our initial visit to the ER on September 25, 2008. I remember this day because it is also my sister's birthday. He collapsed first thing in the morning after getting up to go to the bathroom. He hadn't been feeling well for a while and because of a lack of insurance (story for another time) he hadn't gone to the doctor. He walked in our bedroom, swerved like he was drunk and fainted (he's telling me men pass out) into our fan, almost hitting his head on the vanity. I rushed to his side and when I saw his eyes clear, I announced, "You are going to the ER. Either you go in the car or you go in an ambulance. Choose." We were at our nearest ER in 30 minutes. They told me later if I had let him put it off any longer he would have died. The cancer, (which we thought was simple back pain) was pretty far along and he would start Chemo a week later. Was it a "miracle" that I chose that day to be more stubborn than him?
The second time we almost lost him was when he was finishing his last round of Chemo before his first BMT (bone marrow transplant). He had an allergic reaction to one of the Chemo drugs and stopped breathing. He was alone in his room, because it was in the middle of the day. His room was next to the nurses station, and because we were always so friendly with the nurses, they frequently came in to see him even if he wasn't their patient. One happened to be reaching for his door as he passed out reaching for the nurses call button (he knew something wasn't right). She walked in as he lost consciousness and although he stopped breathing, his heart never stopped and by the time I was informed and got back to the hospital, he was in ICU and conscious again. Was it a "miracle"?The last time we almost lost him was when the cancer relapsed last fall. His platelets were dropping daily and a second BMT was proposed. Avi had already lost a lot of weight, and the doctor gave us this wonderful speech about how the cancer was really strong now and chances were he wouldn't survive the proposed Chemo regimen much less the transplant itself. He looked at Avi and said you can just stop if you want. We got married and Avi said he wanted to spend "forever with me". Was our marriage the "miracle" that helped him survive the Chemo and transplant when he dropped down to 118lbs and his body was absolutely ravaged by not only the cancer but all of the treatment as well?
Avi has decided not to do anymore treatment. He feels the medical world has done all they could for him. You could say they have given us one "miracle" after another. He truly believes that any more drug regimens and his life would be shortened and would rather have extra time before the cancer kills him. He would rather die at home, than in a hospital. When we told people, we received several responses of, "I will pray for a miracle." I think that is a wonderful sentiment. I think it is amazing how much people love him and want to see him live a full and healthy life. We we simply responded with a "thank you". I could tell people were questioning why we weren't praying for a "miracle" too. I have been. For two years I have been and I got several. I got two years of time with him when it probably could have ended that day I first took him to the ER. I got the miracle of being married to him, I got last month, last week, yesterday, and now I get the "miracle" of being with him for one more day.
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